The election is over, but the politics of dating are heating up ❤️🔥
‘We don't have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort in relationships anymore’
I’m obsessed with the stark differences in how young men and women currently view the world. This youth partisan gender gap influences everything from how we work, learn, and maybe most intriguingly, date and decide whether to have kids. And while the 2024 election is over, the politics of dating are heating up…
In fact, politics can be a romantic litmus test. 73% of college educated single women say they’re less likely to date a Trump supporter – according to a new report titled ‘Romantic Recession’ from the Survey Center on American Life. That sentiment goes both ways. 39% of single men say they are less likely to date a feminist (and there’s not an education gap for men when it comes to dating a feminist).
Beyond political dealbreakers, dating itself is becoming more challenging. Data shows some shifts in sentiment:
62% of single men and 67% of single women say dating is more difficult today than it was 10 years ago.
There’s a growing debate about dating apps and their role in modern romance. According to this data, their allure is fading:
In 2019, a majority of single men (71%) and women (58%) said dating apps were a safe way to meet prospective partners. Today, just 35% of single women agree.
And some are questioning dating – and marriage – altogether.
A striking 55% of single women believe they are generally happier than their married counterparts.
Among men, that sentiment differs. Only 30% of single men and 19% of married men believe single women live happier lives than those who are married.
The Trump-inspired dating demise
To learn more about this growing divide, I called , the director of the Survey Center on American Life. I last saw Dan in Philadelphia in the fall, when I sat in on his focus groups with young men before the election. Dan’s an expert on this – he’s writing a book about America’s gender gap, which he says is about way more than politics.
“We’ve certainly never seen something like this,” Dan told me, attributing the current gender gap to Trump specifically. “Trump is a really unique figure in that we've had controversial presidents before, but the gender divide in views about Trump has always been fairly significant, and the fact that he has such a commanding presence in terms of media coverage and the amount of attention he receives, it's hard to avoid.”
Dan told me a mix of factors has made the partisan gender and dating gap as pervasive as it is today.
“I don't think politics was as salient for previous generations. And certainly we didn't see the same kind of coupling patterns. We had more men and women who dated across the political spectrum. Part of what’s going on is there’s been a nationalization of politics. The media now focuses on national issues more often, and focuses on the most divisive questions and issues, which tends to polarize our politics and makes it a lot more difficult for someone as a Republican to date someone as a Democrat. That is something that I think is unique to this moment,” he said.
Last week, I went to a live debate about the future of dating apps between Tinder’s global CMO Melissa Hobley and matchmaker and CEO of Agape Match Maria Avgitidis hosted by Open to Debate. Recognizing a Gen Z push to ditch online dating in favor of meeting in person, the two experts debated the question “Is It Time to Break Up with Dating Apps?” The conversation, which will be released as a podcast on Valentine’s Day, explored concerns around safety, security, and the range of experiences with app-driven dating.
So where do we go from here?
Anushka Joshi, who founded GEN-ZiNE, is thinking about these issues too. She’s launching a new dating app called ‘Friend of a Friend’ (likely later this year), designed to foster connections through mutual acquaintances.
Tell me about your vision for Friend of a Friend
AJ: We’re the loneliest generation and obviously something has got to give. There's this whole burnout with technology. Social behavior’s changing, trying to go back to something that's more grassroots and community oriented. You see these trends happen in all these different industries.
My idea from that was to start a dating app called Friend of a Friend to help people meet their mutuals – and also be the bridge between old school and modern dating. The premise there is just like, ‘How can you shift from a world that prioritizes infinite connection to one that reprioritizes intimate connection?’ It’s very simple, trying to create a dating app that connects you through people who are in your phone book, people who you already have a connection with in your life, first through third degree connections.
Who will be on the app and how will it work?
AJ: The first version will be people who are active daters, and we're trying to shrink your dating pool. There is a second part where it would be fun to set people up. But the first thing is like, can you change the dating pool so that it's like who you would meet if you walked into a room? People who are curated for you. Your dating pool is going to look different than my dating pool, because it's building off of our lives as it is, and not just who the pool in our perimeter is. It matches through phone contacts. I also think phone contacts are more intimate than Instagram. You only get shown people who you either have their number, first, second, and third degree contacts. And we don't show who the mutual is, because, at the moment, that's a privacy thing – but it'll show you how many mutuals you have and what degree of separation.
When you're thinking about our generation, what do you think is the biggest struggle people face with dating?
AJ: Accountability is one of them. I think we're in this ‘you can have it all, there’s a million people to choose from out there’ [mindset]. Like, ‘Okay, this person is like 80% there, but I'm looking for 100%.’
We have way too much option and way too much choice. And I think sometimes with the dating apps, the way that they are now, it's like you can just discard a profile more than you would discard a person. We see that in all aspects of our life, an over consumption in saturation of content. It’s truly the extension of the instant gratification culture – of thinking like ‘It's good, but it's not perfect, so I'll just see what else is out there.’ I don't think that comes from a bad place or bad intention, but I have seen that before. And if you don't have that shared web of mutual connections, it feels easier to just dip.
I've been writing a lot about generational nostalgia across all industries, and clearly this is paramount when it comes to dating as well. Do you think that the grass is always greener? Didn’t some of these problems exist even when dating apps weren't a thing? Or do you think there is genuinely a different standard? Was there a different standard, let’s say, in the late 90s or early 2000s?
AJ: I can't actually speak on that, but it does feel really different. I also just feel like we're living in multiple worlds at once. We really do exist in the digital sphere and in-person sphere, and more and more, it's becoming blended, whereas before it's like you're kind of just picking from the people in your circle and in your life, or the people that you meet. There was something that I think was maybe slower and more intentional about it. I know parents who got set up from a friend of a friend. You just blind gave someone their number and then they called, or kept calling and took them out on a date. Whereas now it's like, if some random guy called or texted us, we would probably be much more averse to it – even if that's the thing that we're asking for. So for a number of reasons, it just feels really different. There's a different level of expectation and knowledge that you want about the person before you even begin. A lot of people make up their mind about a person before they even get in front of them. Maybe I'm projecting, but I do think there's a behavioral difference that goes with pace and trust.
What’s your modern dating hot take?
AJ: Marriage is a good thing. It feels so counter cultural to how we think about things now. I look at my parents, who've been together for at least 35 years, and I'm like, to be in a relationship for that long takes so much work. I think that there's this really intense self preservationist mindset. I don't mean like you're sitting around waiting, but it's like so much of your life does begin after you get married, and there is this separation of like, ‘Oh, when I was young and single and doing things on my own,’ all of a sudden, like, life gets so much stronger once you do have that solid marriage and partnership, you truly are building something together.
And I just don't think we have the stamina for it, or like the gut to even think about sacrifice in that way. I also just have a really communal mindset for things, and so that is something that I want that I don't think I would have been able to express before, because there's so much conversation of like, ‘Well, dump him if he's not treating you right.’ We don't have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort in relationships anymore. And that's my hot take.
What modern daters are saying 👩❤️💋👨
Inspired by this data, I polled my Instagram followers on modern dating (I do this often on all topics, so make sure you’re following along!!).
Here’s what they shared:
Dating apps or meeting IRL? Explain.
IRL! Means we met through the social fabric/likely share values + chemistry confirmed!
Irl.
MEETING IN IRL.
Are shared politics a non-negotiable? Or is disagreement datable?
Disagreement is date-able but core identity misalignment isn’t (for me, woman’s body = core)
[my kids] say it is a non-negotiable… it is very interesting to hear them and their friends. They can’t vote, but are invested.
I think it’s the dumbest ‘nonnegotiable.’ People change their politics often & over time.
Noteworthy reads
Yahoo News Signs Up Influencers With Promise of Shared Advertising Sales, Aisha Counts for Bloomberg
Op-ed, Aging Democrats Are Still Telling the Same Old Story. It’s Time to Turn the Page, Amanda Litman for The Daily Beast
And some from across the pond
Gen Z are broke and depressed, Serena Smith for Dazed
Analysis, Gen Z’s interest in populism isn’t simply a lurch to the right, Ed Shackle for The Times
Hmm ... my theory on the increase in the political divide would be that it mirrors the polarization in the electorate generally. 30 years ago, politicians crossed party lines more often, and the parties had more overlap in issues and fewer absolute litmus tests. I used to vote for people of various parties depending on the person and the election. But nowadays it's very different, and it feels more like one's values will be aligned with one side of the political spectrum or the other.
The politics of dancing, the politics of mmm feeling good - Wang Chung.